I make one mistake and everything comes crashing down. One mistake after another. It’s not my intention to make these mistakes.. It’s how I started making a mistake one after another because I wasn’t thinking right. Couldn’t even think fast enough because time wouldn’t permit me. It didn’t happen once.. Or twice.. It happened many times ever since.. I don’t know.. When I learnt to speak? I don’t know whether I’m being myself today, yesterday or last week. I can’t remember important things, I can’t answer questions when I know the answers… When there’s so much to think about, I start to think funny.
I don’t even know if I put any effort in anything anymore. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore. I used to know and I used to want to know. I wonder what stopped me from knowing more. Why did things change so drastically after 18. What am I even doing? What am I achieving? I’m so afraid to step forward. I don’t even believe that I can do anything to make a difference in the world. Or in my world. My supposed paradisaical world filled with beautiful things. I felt a little bit patronised. This familiar patronised feeling. It’s definitely not foreign to me.
I don’t even know what I’m saying. I just needed to let off these heavy feelings and maybe get some sleep.